Hockey People

When you are at a party or in the bar, you really have to be cautious about Hockey Guy. I don’t mean someone who has any combination of a missing tooth, firm thighs or strong arms, I mean the guy whose opening line is “How bout them Flames” or if you are in northern Alberta “How bout them Oilers?” If he waxes eloquently about the last game, talks about the upcoming game and compares the current team to the team of the’80’s, do not give this man your phone number unless you enjoy hockey. You have to be careful of the other extreme, who simply rattles off the score and gets the opposing team wrong. This guy is usually either still living with his mom or has been messed up by a previous woman. He is trying to avoid cheesey pickup lines and is using a safe line.

Unfortunately this line is also used by anti-hockey guy who is trying to determine if you like hockey. There are men out there who do not like Canada’s glorious sport. If you enjoy hockey, steer clear of this man. Unlike women, men who do not like hockey cannot be converted. A redneck woman can be counted on to humour her friends and watch a game or two, especially if it is the playoffs or the Olympics. Oddly enough, men who do not like hockey also do not like figure skating. I thought I’d slip that in because both Lug and I have had gay friends who do not like figure skating but do like hockey. Unless you want to forever change your perspective about hockey, do not ask a gay man why he likes hockey.

Hockey Gals can also be dangerous. They are the ones who will not gush and say “oh how thoughtful” when you buy tickets to the game that come with a complimentary oxygen mask. They want tickets that you do not need binoculars to watch the game. Prairie redneck women are secure enough; they have no qualms about saying how cute a player is. They can be counted on to bring a camera to any special games, such as a jersey being retired or a playoff banner being raised. The down side to Hockey Gals is they can also be counted on to make a direct beeline for the clothing store at the rink and will rationalize something $40 off to be an excuse to buy even more things. Like the stereotype that if a man does not like hockey, he must be gay, women who like hockey shop the same way as any other woman does.

As with Hockey Guy, Hockey Gal is proceed with caution in the bars. Do not take her to a bar nearby the rink on game night. She knows every player by sight off ice and at the first sign of even a third string defenseman, will be off like a shot to buy him a drink. Each season her main goal is to get her jersey autographed by every team member by the end of the season. A woman who loves hockey is safe because she is usually mature enough she won’t obsess about hockey players. Whether you encounter a Hockey Gal or a Hockey Woman, unless you really enjoy the sport, don’t get too chummy with her.

The more indifferent you are to hockey, the more you need to avoid The Hockey Couple. This is the couple that plans their whole life around the hockey team. You can count on them to have in the background not music but the hockey game, whether it is televised or on radio. At a party, if you innocently throw out the conversational line relating to the team, you will get a ten minute monologue, in stereo, about the game. They are the cute couple who usually have his and hers jerseys. There is inevitably a hockey game that played an integral part in their early dating days or he’ll be one of those guys who proposed to her via the Jumbotron.

Run; do not walk away, from anyone who jokes about how they have a mixed relationship Alberta style unless you love to hear debates about whose team is better, the Flames or the Oilers. This couple usually will start out with gentle barbs about the teams. From there it will deteriorate into a discussion about which city is better, Edmonton or Calgary. This can be amusing. Take the high road and just let them have their exchange. The usual conversational changes such as “how bout that weather” will just add fuel to the fire by a discussion of Northern Alberta weather versus Southern Alberta.

Some year the Cup will return to Alberta. Until then, each season one group of fans is bound to hold their heads high and say with pride "At least the Flames made it further then the Oilers" or "How do Calgarians spell 'Dynasty'? O-n-e."

Proverbs 13:16 Every prudent man deals with knowledge: but a fool lays open his folly.