Bars

I love men. That’s probably why I married one. To be honest, I think part of the reason why I got married is I got tired of the bar scene. When you are living the scene, you don’t realize how cheesey some lines are. I am sure the men who frequent bars are otherwise reasonably intelligent males. Unfortunately I never seemed to attract that sort
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For example, there was the man that I dubbed the Put Downer. He seemed to think a great way to pick up a brunette was to put down other women. The Put Downer’s favourite joke would go:

Put Downer: What’s the mating call of a blonde?
Me (being polite) I don’t know.
“Gee I’m drunk.” I’d smile or giggle depending on how much I’d had to drink.

Put Downer: What’s the mating call of a redhead?
Me deciding to further shove away my college education: “I don’t know”
Put Downer: “Gee I’m lonely.”

I’d smile knowing the third part of the joke and wondering if it was really worth it to have this guy sit down with my girlfriend and me to laugh but knowing deep down I was enough of an alcoholic, I would.

Put Downer: What’s the mating call of a brunette?

Odds are if you are reading this you are now rolling your eyes because you know how the rest of the story goes. He says “Have all the damn blondes and redheads left yet”, I laugh, he sits down, his buddy joins us and the rest of the evening passes by with the two men buying us at least one drink, me laughing at the lame jokes, my girlfriend going home with one of the men and me announcing I have a boyfriend, I’m just here to keep my girlfriend company.

Then there is the Macho Man who has evolved beyond the “You’re cute, what’s your sign?” and uses as a pick up line “What music do you like?” Once I decided to drift back to my country roots, I had my own standard line. “I like both types of music.” I’d pause, grin and with a full fledge prairie drawl say “Country and Western”. Macho Man would usually leave skid marks because any woman who admits to being both country and western usually will eventually bring up the whole white picket fence, 2.3 children and mini-van lifestyle.

Desperate Man will give the same fake laugh I use for the Put Downer’s joke, talk about Willie Nelson, forewarn his friend the younger brunette is dangerous before joining our table and be careful how much money he spent on me.

Thankfully next month it will have been thirteen years since I gave up that lifestyle. I wouldn’t go back to it for anything; on the other hand, those memories tend to come back Victoria Day Long weekend because that’s when I decided to embrace the bar lifestyle for about six years. It’s also why the first six years of my twenties are a hazy blur. Be careful this weekend as you venture out to the bars. Heads you’ll run into an intelligent person, tails you’ll run into someone who will hustle you.

Proverbs 15:2 The tongue of the wise use knowledge properly; but the mouth of fools pour out foolishness.