Smokin' Hot Marriage

Last year God called an American pastor from way down south to come way up west. Pastor Scott has a unique way with words. Combine his southern way of talking with a church that prefers to teach people instead of preaching at people and you can occasionally walk out of a church with a whole lot on your mind. I had thought with the topic being about how to have a smokin' hot marriage, it was going to be the teaching time about sex. It wasn't; however the pastor did discuss a PG-13 version of Proverbs 5:18-19. He forewarned people in a few weeks the message was going to be adult and it would be a good idea to put children in the children's classroom. After going through the part of Genesis about how and why God created woman, including Adam declaring Wo! Man! as a bit of southern humour (pastor's words, not mine) and using Proverbs 5:15 as a reminder of being faithful to your spouse, he went on to cover how a smokin' hot marriage means met needs.

We had been told the  needs lists for both genders was an 80/20 rule, with 80% of people making the needs their top 5. I could have done without hearing about making a house a place of refuge and comfort for your husband. When it comes to what makes a woman attractive, Big Lug is part of the 20% of men who could care less about a woman wearing make-up. He's definitely in the 80% who want the house to be clean.

Domestic Support came up again on the women's list. It was fourth on the men's list, third on the women's list. It was nice to hear a pastor speak about the virtues of a man being domestically supportive to his wife. To be fair, Big Lug is great at doing his share of housework. I know I cringed when the pastor finished discussing that woman's need by reminding men "A woman's house is an extension of her personality." There are parts of my house that are well-cared for, parts of my house that are in disarray and a few parts that if you look at them close, you see some ugliness.

I began to ponder if I should change my evil ways and stop being a Housework Impaired Female. I didn't want to be a Martha, too busy to enjoy Jesus' arrival but I also knew that I shouldn't use that scenario to go the other extreme and do nothing about the disorganization in my house. It was with a great deal of relief when Pastor Scott drifted to more comfortable territory to me, speaking about how a smokin' hot marriage means honour. One of my favourite Bible verses is Romans 12:10. The King James Version says "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another." Thanks to my interpreting the first half to mean providing recreational companionship for your husband, I am number one on Big Lug's list of people he enjoys taking to a game or race. As for the second half, it's the same as Proverbs 5:15, being a faithful spouse.

It took Pastor Scott's Southern twist of Romans 12:10 to simplify how I could be the sort of wife that has a smokin' hot marriage. Don't yell, don't cuss, and don’t fuss. Those were terms I could understand. I knew I could get rid of the disarray and ugliness in my house by not yelling, not cussing, not fussing, just calmly and serenely going about it.

E-mail Subscriptions

I'll plead guilty, I sometimes click on "Subscribe to Newsletter" not to become better informed about something but because it will provide me with a good laugh. No, I didn't subscribe to a Joke A Day type newsletter. I have enough good ole boys and girls in my life; I don't need that sort of subscription. I'm referring to a healthy eating lifestyle newsletter. Today's suggestion made me giggle. "Have a healthy banana split for breakfast. Cut a banana in half and have it with low-fat yogurt, strawberries, granola and a squirt of chocolate syrup for a morning treat."

First, I believe that God looks at the beauty of our souls, not false outer beauty. He also grants us wisdom to know what healthy is. If I want a banana split, for example, I am not going to do the above. That's not a banana split. A banana split is at least two scoops of ice cream, a banana cut in half, six strawberries quartered, a third of a cup of pineapple tidbits, put in a pretty glass bowl, sprinkled with cocoa and topped with a cherry of some sort. If I don't have those ingredients on hand and am feeling noble, this is how I have a banana split for breakfast.
1/2 cup purified water
1/2 cup unsweetened pineapple juice
1/4 frozen banana chunk
1/2 cup frozen strawberries
1 tablespoon Pure Gourmet Cocoa (I fantasize about the day when we go from Safeway Store Brand to Bernard Callebaut)
1 scoop plain, unsweetened whey protein powder (optional but it does thicken it up)
1 tablespoon Flaxseed oil (I was into the Omega scene way before it became trendy)
1 cup plain, unsweetened yogurt

Put in blender, blend until smooth and enjoy! Garnish with a cherry, if desired.
Real Redneck women are secure enough they don't worry about calories, they just enjoy life.

The Waiting Game Begins

I've been working hard at trying to get a book written. It's just like me. Short, cute and cheap. The book has been written and submitted. Now it's in the hands of the publishing company.

I decided to write about what I know best and who I am. I wrote about life as seen through the eyes of a redneck who is a child of the 70's. Lewis Grizzard and Erma Bombeck were definitely influences for the humour part of the book. As for chapter lengths, let’s just say you can tell I've read lots of Chicken Soup books.

I don't know how things will unfold. I know I feel peace and contentment that I have quit rebelling against God. I'm no longer in charge. He is.

Fluid of Life

I awoke this Friday morning feeling happy, content and blissful. Not due to something rising up, not due to sleeping in but for the sheer joy of knowing that it would be the last morning for a week I would be waking up with my hair smelling slightly of cottonseed oil. After I made Big Lug his lunch I noticed the coffee carafe was empty and the coffee maker was not set up for a fresh pot. I was even more surprised to discover he’d be swinging by Tim Horton’s for his dose of Fluid Of Life. Once he explained that he’d be buying coffee and a co-worker would be buying bagels, it made sense. Big Lug isn’t partial to their coffee but he does enjoy many of their baked items.

Thankfully when I met Big Lug I had already been trained to leave a man alone until he had his morning cuppa. Two different men, ten years apart, one a child of the 60’s, one a child of the 70’s, both regarding coffee not as a nice, pleasant morning beverage but as fluid of life. To be fair, it’s not just a guy thing. I know women who have declared if they could inject coffee, they would. For me, however, bliss is a cup of Anise Tea, slowly sipped in a pretty cup.

Part of that stems from the fact I don’t do those travel mugs too well. I treat Big Lug’s travel cup with care. It’s at that well broken in stage when the lid still fits snugly without too much pressure. Occasionally someone thoughtfully gifts him with a new mug and there is the brief time span when Big Lug obligatorily uses it for a few weeks. It means I have to force the lid on, hoping the cup doesn’t slip and spill on the kitchen counter. It was with a sense of relief to discover this morning I am not alone when it comes to morning denseness and travel mugs.  On my social network website one of my American stock car friends had left this deep thought:

Tip of the day. If you leave the lid loose on your coffee cup, it will spill on you. If you clean up, then come back to take another sip without securing the lid, it will spill on you a second time. You can thank me later for this one.

I couldn’t help but laugh because both Big Lug and I have had that experience. A few minutes later, however, the other shoe dropped:

Finally, if the lid is deformed due to being in the dishwasher too many times, it does not matter how well you secure it... it may spill on you a third time.

There is a guy who deserves to have a good Monday morning, if only because that sort of thing is not supposed to happen on a Friday morning.

Drive Thru Delights & Dangs

I work part-time for a fast food restaurant. On alternate Saturdays I work 5-11 p.m. Since I don't do Halloween, it wasn't a problem working the night of October 31st. I did find it amusing that there were many people saying “I’m bringing the kids home some fast food because we don’t Halloween” or hear a little voice saying “I’m glad we don’t do Halloween because it means we get to come here! Thank you!” There were also people who were definitely doing the night.

There were some retro costumes that came through the restaurant. The first retro one was a young girl who borrowed her mother's 90's prom dress so she could go as a prom queen. Daddy dearest had the look of a man who had just accumulated a whole bunch of parenting points and was trying to figure out how to spend them. The next retro one was even further back. It doesn't take much talent to be Hugh Hefner, especially when your passenger is wearing a skimpy costume and bunny ears. In between drive-thru orders I usually see what I can do at the front counter. Three girls came in looking like something right out of Olivia Newton John's "Physical" video, complete with bright coloured, striped legwarmers.

Under the category of "Awwwwwww so cute" was someone who had dressed their little one up as a ladybug. Also cute was a baby pumpkin and going the other extreme was a cowgirl. Once I found out she was of legal drinking age, I casually suggested the male manager be the one to hand out her order. He didn't mind. Also cute in the category of "Visual Pun" was the guy who was dressed as a shark with cards on it (my thought process was "Shark with cards? Shark cards. Card shark. GRRRRROAN!). I gave the Card shark and his female passenger who was wearing a tank top and a belt with a bunch of cards stapled on the bottom to create a skirt some cookies.

A co-worker decided since the streets were fairly quiet; why not go into to work to see what the reaction to his werewolf mask would be. I didn't let him down. Dang kids have no respect for their elders these days. At least that was my thought until later on, when I looked at the time, thought "It's almost nine p.m. I guess after nine I should start to anticipate the drive thru pranksters and be careful opening the window" and opened the drive-thru window to make a guy's night. He had carefully put a very graphic witch's head on a stick and timed it to pop up just after I said "Hi!" My shriek caused a grin of delight. Even better, however, was when I shrilled "Maria you LIED TO ME!!!!!!!!! Maria get to drive-thru RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! You gotta see this!" The manager had reassured me in all her years of working at that restaurant chain, she had never experienced nor heard of any drive-thru pranksters. The only thing that saved me from going completely hysterical is as a joke, he had pinned an Edmonton Oilers logo onto the witch's shoulder.

As a combination of dang and delight, a costumed concept arrived about ten minutes before closing. Between the four guys there were three drinks, six sandwiches, some chicken morsels, three large fries and a spun ice cream concoction to make it worth staying open until the last second. As much as it was interesting to be working Halloween night, I'm glad next year it falls on a day off.

The Rhyme Off

Ever notice in a mixed group, there are always a few guys who can’t resist being smart alecs? It began simple enough, with a guy sharing a cute story about some kids doing the actions to a nursery rhyme. The women thought it was sweet. One man, however, couldn’t resist the urge to provide his own creative rhymes.

Kerry:

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Silly Jill
Forgot the pill
and now they have a son

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack got horny, Jill got corny
and now they have a daughter

Since Kerry got a few polite laughs, he decided to continue on.

Kerry:

Simple Simon met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you airhead!"

As the silence became rather thick, however, Big Al being a true gentleman decided to come in and save the day. He cleared his throat and came up with one about Mary the garden grower.

Big Al:

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one humongous onion.

As the women giggled and one turned to the man beside her to discuss gardening, Big Al cleared his throat and came up with another one. As he said it, a few people started to get a shocked look on their face because they thought they knew how it was going to end. One man even began to lift up his hand in a “Whoa man, you sure you want to go down that road?” gesture.

Mary had a little watch
she swallowed it one day
and so she took some Epsom salts
to pass the time away.
But though she tried, and tried, and tried
she couldn't make time pass.
So if you want to know the time
just look up Mary's......
uncle in the Yellow Pages. He sells watches.

Two women laughed so hard they choked, one woman had to go to the bathroom and best of all, and one guy wound up snorting his pop through his nose.

It’s great to be back!

A New Angel

I can't remember how the friendship happened. We both posted on the same stock car board, we both had pasts that we were in the process of rising above, we had children the same age, although I had one to his three. We'd exchange anecdotes about our lives, sometimes chuckle over how despite different countries, one to three, our kids still had many things in common and how our spouses were great for putting up with the fallen angels God had guided them to marry.

The last year, though, brought about many changes. He didn't have as much time to hangout on the message board. His beloved wife was sick and he was doing his best to fill in the void, not wanting to have the older daughter feel like she was just a babysitter. There were family and church members who were helping them out in the time of need. There were prayer requests for the family, venting about yet another trip to the hospital, the joy of having his wife home, sharing about the children coping with Mama being sick. Sometimes there was enough calmness, he could even relax and enjoy a stock car race.

Not long ago there was a post made about how one year ago his wife was in the hospital and here it was a year later, no answers. Those of us who prayed reassured him we were still praying, still hoping. Tonight there was a new post. The answer was received. One little girl, two little boys and one adult daughter will be hugged by an angel from this night onward.

Proverbs 31:10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.
Proversb 31:28a Her children rise up and call her blessed.